What are You Waiting For?

Remembrance

And you wait. You wait for the one thing

that will change your life,

make it more than it is —

something wonderful, exceptional,

stones awakening, depths opening to you.

In the dusky bookstalls

old books glimmer gold and brown.

You think of lands you journeyed through,

of paintings and a dress once worn

by a woman you never found again

And suddenly you know: that was enough,

You arise and there appears before you

in all its longings and hesitations

the shape of what you lived.

- Ranier Maria Rilke

The Essence of Life is in the Details

In the rush of life everyday life, the capacity for contentment and even joy is often neglected. It is not only grand, memorable actions that count - the essence of life lives in the details of a day.

These details include the internal stories one dwells upon, one’s habits and in how one interacts with others. The everyday moment is the only malleable moment and the only time under your control.

In a busy day the details of one’s life can pass in a blur. Then when sleep comes, the cycle starts all over again. A life filled with 24 hours of duty is no life at all! Here are a few of my observations about leading a richer, fuller life:

1) Decide to really see the people in one’s daily life - not just have automatic transactions with them. This will not only lighten your burden but create a more interconnected and positive day.

2) Replace negative thoughts as soon as you are aware that you are having them. Simply refuse to have them, or replace them with more constructive thoughts.

3) Decide which habits serve you, and which do not. Replace a habit that doesn’t serve you with one that does. Do this for 28 days, and you will have created a lasting positive improvement in your life.

4) Stay in the present moment. Don’t waste time regretting the past or worrying about the future. The future will turn out differently than you can imagine.

5) Do what really needs to be done in a day. If it doesn’t really need to be done, letting it marinate for awhile will save you time in the end.

Remember, there is no time in life as valuable as the present moment!

Are You Infatuated With Someone?

Infatuation can be fun when it is at a distance. Who hasn’t admired someone from afar? But like any other emotion, infatuation can get out of hand.

Infatuation - or obsession - can feel great at first. The other person seems so special, so full of great qualities, why resist thinking of them? Unfortunately infatuation, for all it’s intensity, is not love. It is more like a drug state. The other person, whether they like it or not, has become the center of your thinking. Depression, emptiness and broken boundaries can follow. Occasionally, if both people are infatuated at the same time with each other, true love can grow over time, but this rare.

Letting go of an infatuation is often not easy, but admitting that one is infatuated is a good first step. An honest assessment of what lead to the obsession in the first place also helps, as does finding physical and mental ways to healthily detach.

Infatuation is often a long-standing habit, and sometimes it can just switch from one person to another. This is because it is a substitute for something that is internally lacking. Focusing on the self helps one to re-direct one’s energy to more positive outlets. Therapy can also be a helpful tool for developing self-focus.

Intimacy in the Time of COVID

Intimacy can seem unattainable, especially during this time of pandemic. Often the reasons for loneliness and disconnect are not so obvious.  For instance, do you fill empty hours with work?  Watch TV most evenings? Spend more than you earn?  Find yourself relying too much on alcohol or other substances?  These escapes may bring a temporary measure of pleasure, but can also increase hollowness and isolation.

Regaining a sense of intimacy with others does not just mean cutting back on vices. Replace unproductive habitual responses by calling friends and family who may be feeling just as isolated as you are. Get your COVID vaccines as soon as you are able. Walk in nature. Journal. Also, this is also a good time to find a therapist to support your finding new ways of connecting with others in a disconnected world.

Hope

Hope. Just as a single spark can create fire, a single spark of hope can create a better life. Even when all seems hopeless, hope still exists, just as surely as the sun still shines on a cloudy day. Hope lives in the absence of external evidence because it is the product of one's most innate nature. Hope illuminates the better path to take.

Here are just a few of my observations about finding that spark of hope even when all seems lost:

• Become willing to “act as if” there is a way out of a current problem, even in the face of no external evidence. Don't be afraid to “fake it till you make it.” Any action will get the ball rolling.

• Understand that you don't know everything about any situation you find yourself in. Even though your feelings are real, they might not be true.

• You can only change yourself. Stop trying to change others, it just doesn't work.

• Take Maya Angelou's advice and "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."

• Remember, you don't have to do this all alone.

You Do Not Have To Be Good

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees,the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting - over and over announcing your place in the family of things.

Open Yourself to Change

During times of change, we have greater access to our inner selves, and the opportunity to learn how to use it.  New decisions must be made, and new answers to one's problems need to be found. At the same time, change is stressful, Friends and family can only take you so far. 

Change by its nature increases uncertainty, leads to anxiety and makes decision-making more difficult. It also attracts new relationships, for better or worse. For instance, making a trip to the corner bar, or talking to someone who has a vested interest in the outcome of your situation may provide temporary relief but in the long run, does it help you make positive change?

Finding safe people who can listen to you and help you to make sense of your situation really can help. These could include mentors, therapists, a spiritual counselor, attorney or other professional who specialize in helping you carry out the changes you know you want to make. Talk to someone new today and remember - you don't have to do it all alone!

But They Have Such Potential. . .

A person is usually just as they present themselves.  They are not interested in fulfilling your personal dream of their potential, no matter how compelling it may appear to you. The hope and compassion you want to show others is the hope and compassion that you need for yourself.

If you want someone else to change, your best way to do it is to work on yourself. Reach out to others who have your best interest in mind, and don't be afraid to get professional support. Yes, it is really possible to make long lasting changes, even it it isn’t as easy as hoping someone else will change. It is be so worth it!

Today, stop trying to help others at the expense of yourself. Focus on your own potential. It will lead to peace of mind and even happiness, whether or not anyone else decides to change.

Avoiding Bad Decisions

We are constantly faced with opportunities to make either good or bad decisions. Sometimes, whether a decision is bad is not revealed until the passage of time, while other times poor choices are immediately obvious.

Several factors contribute to bad decision making. Some of these include wanting relief from anxiety and pressure, desperation, needing to feel loved or simply impatience. Other contributing factors include being hungry, angry lonely or tired, or using substances.

Decision making ability under these circumstances is compromised and can even be disastrous. Here are a few tips that can lead to better decision making:

• Don't make decisions when someone is pressuring you. Wait at least 24 hours. It may feel like you don’t have that kind of time, but usually you will.

• Think, think, think. Emotional distress can shortcut thinking situations through and cause you to work against your own best interests.

• Let go of pride. Humility will help you to hold onto something precious when it might feel easier to just walk away.

• There are usually more than just two decisions to any problem. If you don’t think so, then you may be trapped in a false dichotomy, one that may have been created by someone else.

Above all, don't lead a life of “quiet desperation” focusing on people, places and things as a way to avoid making your own decisions. If your best effort has led you to a dead end, it is time to receive support and guidance from people you trust who have no personal stake in your decision. This may come in the form of a trusted friend, a therapist, mentor, teacher or spiritual leader. Remember, there are always ways to make a better decision.

Letting Go of Harmful Secrets

Keeping a secret out of fear, embarrassment or other negative reasons can compromise a person on many levels. Keeping unhealthy secrets is like storing acid in the psyche.

Secrets distort one’s world view, and in turn cause others to treat one differently. Whether a secret is shoved under the rug or outright denied, the effect of holding it is the same.

Revealing a painful secret to a trusted person or a professional listener liberates one from a form of isolation that breeds anger and fear. It is said that we are only as sick as our secrets.  This is true.  Talk to someone safe today.

Not Quite Feeling Yourself These Days?

Our country is living through unsettling times. Are we moving toward healing? Will the future hold bipartisan unity - or war? In some ways we are more isolated than we have ever been, and at the same time the news coming into our homes is often violent and disconcerting.

These extra layers of stressors can cause symptoms such as feeling frayed, short tempered, unfocused, anxious, depressed or even a bit disassociated from the world..

Here are a few ways that may help you to feel more like yourself:

1) Get lots of sleep. It is a lot of work for the brain to integrate the kinds of extra-stressful experiences we are having these days, and more rest than usual is needed.

2) Make time to care about others. Talk to friends and relatives you may have put off speaking with because you don't feel your best self. Chances are they haven't either and will welcome your call.

3) Eat well. Take a walk. Self care will improve your sense of well being in ways that you may not realize.

4) Be careful with alcohol or other substances. It can trigger unhappiness with family and friends in these tense times. It can also lead to an habitual escape pattern that creates a downward spiral.

5) Take time to meditate, contemplate or journal. Make lists of what you need to accomplish during day or week. All these are stabilizing and help you to access your better self.

6) Finally, if you still don't feel right, or are facing larger problems, please consider speaking to a professional therapist.

Dealing with Crisis

Crisis feels likes a clarion call to do something - anything - right away, even if it is the wrong thing to do. It is hard to think clearly in a crisis, even if what you are considering doing feels right.

Sometimes a crisis happens in a moment, and sometimes it builds up for years before it spills over the edge. However it comes to fruition, reactivity is never helpful. 

Here are three tips for dealing with crisis:

1) Don't make a snap decision due to the pressures of others - or yourself.

2) Don't waste your focus feeling guilty, embarrassed or like you should have seen it coming. You are doing the best you can.

3) Do find trustworthy people to talk to who are not involved with the crisis to help you sort things out for yourself.

Crisis counseling can also be invaluable. Feel free to call me if you are in a crisis today.

Whose Woods These Are I Think I Know. . .

In Honor of the Coming of Light

Winter Solstice is this Monday. In honor of the quiet joy of deepening Winter, I offer my annual poem by Robert Frost:

Whose woods these are I think I know.   

His house is in the village though;   

He will not see me stopping here   

To watch his woods fill up with snow.   

My little horse must think it queer   

To stop without a farmhouse near   

Between the woods and frozen lake   

The darkest evening of the year.   

He gives his harness bells a shake   

To ask if there is some mistake.   

The only other sound’s the sweep   

Of easy wind and downy flake.   

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep,   

And miles to go before I sleep.

Whose Woods These Are I Think I Know

In Honor of the Coming of the Light

Winter Solstice is this Monday. In honor of the quiet joy of deepening Winter, I offer my annual poem by Robert Frost:

Whose woods these are I think I know.   

His house is in the village though;   

He will not see me stopping here   

To watch his woods fill up with snow.   

My little horse must think it queer   

To stop without a farmhouse near   

Between the woods and frozen lake   

The darkest evening of the year.   

He gives his harness bells a shake   

To ask if there is some mistake.   

The only other sound’s the sweep   

Of easy wind and downy flake.   

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep,   

And miles to go before I sleep.

Is it Depression or Anxiety?

Where Does Depression End and Anxiety Begin?

Many people suffer from both depression and anxiety, especially in trying times. Some of the symptoms of these differing states are shared. In fact, depression can bring on anxiety, or vice versa. And then there are feelings that could be either, such as worrying, irritability and sleeplessness. So if you feel foggy or exhausted or distracted, it could be either anxiety or depression.  Here is a ballpark way to figure out which is which.

Anxiety is an emotion based more on fear than anything else. Depression isbased more in sadness.  Using this as a guideline, keep a record of how much you feel anxiety or depression in a day with 0 being none at all, and 10 being the utmost state. If you do this for three weeks, you should have a clearer picture of where your feelings are coming from.

Also, feel free to call me anytime if anxiety or depression is becoming a problem for you.

Regards,

Cheryl Deaner, LMFT 36764

When Change is Unwelcome

Change is often unwelcome even after it has already made itself a guest in your life.  Change can cause one to feel helpless, confused and unprepared.  The voice that says you cannot face what must be faced is the voice of fear.  You can do what needs to be done, although it is so much easier if you don't try to do it all alone.

The great psychiatrist Viktor Frankel who survived a Nazi concentration camp once said:

"Even the helpless victim of a hopeless situation, facing a fate he cannot change, may rise above himself, and by doing so change himself."

Every change has a seed of positive growth in it, no matter how it may feel today.

0 LIKES

Some Truths About Codependency

A brief definition of codependency is someone who tries to take care care of adults who actually should be taking care of themselves. By this definition, they will grow more and more angry because this is an impossible task. Yet they may not even realize they are angry!

To others, codependency is unlovely. The codependent person may talk as though they are put upon. They may snipe and complain about other people to the extent that others wonder what is being said behind their back. Codependents want to control things that are not always theirs to control. And when a codependent person's anger oozes out sideways, no one wants to get too close!

However, the codependent person may think of themselves as a nice person who is not consciously angry at all. They feel that other people are disappointing them and although this might make them feel depressed and anxious, or affect their self-esteem, they don’t feel anger. They feel disappointed because they try so hard to be helpful to unappreciative people.

Anger is often suppressed by codependent people. If their anger was faced head on, major changes in the way they think about and organize their lives would be in order. So irritable outbursts are soon forgotten. If anger does boils over, guilt and fear follow because they don’t want to risk pushing away or harming someone they care about. Its a tough life.

The good news about codependency is that it is a habit, not a character disorder. It may be deeply ingrained, but it can be unlearned with the right tools and the right kind of support. If you suspect that you or someone you care about may be codependent, call me today. The journey away from this self-destructive - but reversible - habit is always worth it!

Hanging On In 2020

Corona Virus has been a main theme through most of this year, as has racial injustice. And now we Californians also face serious wildfires in our beloved forests. With an important presidential election coming up as well, it’s a combination of factors that make almost everyone uncomfortable - and that’s besides dealing with in one’s private issues and concerns.

2020 seems to be taking a toll on everyone. Even if you feel luckier than some people, issues that once could be ignored may seem inexcapable. Relationships at this time may become more intense - or seem to simply disappear. This “new normal” is not what we were hoping for in the new year!

However, this has also been a year of great opportunity. Because non-essential distractions have largly fallen away, one’s inner world - with its unresolved issues mysteries and conflicts - may be more present. You may find that there is no time like now to begin working on yourself.

Practicing now by phone, I have seen my clients make remarkable growth and change this year. If you think this might be a good time to see someone, you are probably right. Now is a good time to take stock of where you are today and lay plans for where you would like to be in the future. And you don’t have to do it all alone.

Staying Mentally Healthy During Covid 19

In the midst of a pandemic, there is nothing to do but wade through the worry and doubt that naturally arise. An individual’s capacity to stop a virus is limited, no matter how much we might wish otherwise. We can wash our hands, stay away from crowds, take all the precautions the CDC recommends and ultimately, still get sick.

After taking reasonable precautions, it is attitude that counts. This is a time to be patient with oneself. Can one stay even-minded, be brave and distract oneself from the trap of useless worry? No one has a crystal ball, and the scenarios made up when fear is activated are exhausting, making it even harder to face the reality of what is actually going to happen.

Now is the time to find needed support. Take into consideration that some people will be either overreacting or underreacting. Find the time to talk to trustworthy friends and advisers. Most importantly, be gentle with yourself and others.

Loosening Fear's Grip

Our imaginations are often not good to us when it comes to fear. Imagination can become a rabbit hole leading you away from your resources and reason. Fear can imprison your mind in an endless Winter so that you can’t see Spring arrive.

Think back to all the times you feared something would happen - how often did it happen just the way you thought it would? Not often! It's not that scary things don't happen in life, its that 90% of what appears to be imminent danger is not what is actually going to happen.  So 90% of the time, worry and anxiety about something simply steals our energy to deal with what will actually happen.

If we know that the 90 percent of scary incidents in life do not unfold the way we think they will, we are free to work on being the kind of person that can handle whatever comes one’s way, good or bad.

If you have fear today, talk to your firends. Ground yourself through techniques like journaling, contemplation and meditation. Take deep breaths. Seek professional help if your fears don’t go away. You can always find a way to mitigate FEAR - which is so often only False Evidence Appearing Real.