Dealing With a Crisis

Crisis feels like a clarion call to do something, anything, right away. That is usually the wrong move, unless you are in immediate physical danger. Being clear headed in time of crisis is invaluable. Sometimes crisis comes out of the blue but most often it builds for years. In either case, here are three tips for dealing with crisis:

1)  Don't make a snap decision due to pressure from someone else - or even yourself.

2)  Don't waste energy feeling guilty, embarrassed or stupid for not seeing the crisis coming. You are doing the best you can in the moment, and that is all that matters.

3)  Before making any decisions, find a trustworthy bperson to talk to who does not have a personal, immediate stake in your crisis. This person can help you to talk out your next moves and offer valuable feedback.

Crisis counseling may also be invaluable as it gives other parts of your psyche the gift of time and of being truly listened to by an impartial, trained professional.

Are You Living Up to Your Potential?

What does the phrase “living up to one’s potential” mean to you? To me, the word “potential” is inherently futuristic and subject to all sorts of judgment. But more importantly, life is not lived in the future. A person can live only in the present moment.

Steve Jobs once said “you can’t connect the dots until you look backward. Follow your heart off the well-worn path.” I see the dots as present moments lived well, regardless of whether they follow a path or not. Living well right now at this very moment is the mother of all potential.

Why are Therapists Different from Friends?

Therapists can take you places your friends can’t go. The relationship you have with your therapist is a professional association. You pay a therapist to support you based on your own agenda.

Therapists train for many years to listen to and help people who are in distress. They deal with their client’s trauma as well as the mundane trials of the human condition. They are trained to be emotionally and mentally present. They give thoughtful feedback about problems that would worry or even frighten a friend. They keep confidentiality. They don’t have an agenda based on a personal relationship with you.

A therapist’s only job is to support your growth.

Vacation Notice

I have found that vacations are an essential part of my being at my best, both as a clinician and as a person.

With this in mind, I will be out of the office until January 28. If you need to speak with someone before then, please call Deborah Cooper, LMFT, at 415 285 6812.

You Are Who You Think You Are

The story you tell yourself about yourself is a good predictor of where you will go in life. So tell a good story!  Even though the story of you may be flawed, it will be perfectly flawed. 

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Don't give yourself consent to feel you are inferior!

People come into therapy with all sorts of uncomfortable feelings. Many of these feelings are directed outward at someone or something else - a spouse, job or a circumstance. However, our reactions to others originate from the inside uys, and we actually do have control of our reactions to outside circumstances.

Although it may feel temporarily good to blame others, in the long term this will cause you to see the world as being hopelessly out of control, and youself as powerless to change. Changing from the inside is the most powerful and affirming change.

Happy New Year!

So much change is afoot in our lives and in this nation right now. Now is the time to remember that no matter what is happening on the surface, there are places inside all of us that do not react to every change, to every fortunate or unfortunate event.

These places of clarity are available to all of us at any time. All we need to do is simply sit quietly, close our eyes and go inward. Even if we do this for only five minutes, we will find that we become calmer, clearer, and more at home on this planet.

May this be your year of 20-20 vision!

My Annual Solstice Poem

Winter Solstice is this Wednesday. In honor of the quiet joy of deepening Winter, here is my favorite seasonal poem by Robert Frost:

STOPPING BY THE WOODS ON A SNOWY EVENING

Whose woods these are I think I know.

His house is in the village though;

He will not see me stopping here

To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer

To stop without a farmhouse near

Between the woods and frozen lake

The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake

To ask if there is some mistake.

The only other sound’s the sweep

Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.

Words on Change by Viktor Frankel

“Even the helpless victim of a hopeless situation, facing a fate he cannot change, may rise above himself, and by doing so, change himself.”

Viktor Frankel

Can't Get Things Moving in Your Life?

Sometimes it is hard to feel the passion needed to "get things moving" in one's life. Sometimes this is due to mild, or “on-again, off-again” depression. The symptoms are often subtle, but definable.  Do you know of someone who has had any of the following symptoms:

Lower energy or lack of motivation?

Sleeping too much - or too little?

Feeling down on oneself - or having self-esteem issues?

Poor concentration?

An empty feeling?

Everyone feels a bit blue now or then, but this is different. Dysthymia is a mild, chronic form of depression that one might not even know one has, because it has come to be the norm. Also, one might feel motivated for a few days here and there - but not predominantly.

Please feel free to contact me if you think you or someone you know might be experiencing a mild depression. There is so much that can be done.

Dealing With Relatives at Thanksgiving

Now that family and friends may be traveling far and wide to be together, it is time to look at a couple more ways to keep the peace and make good memories this Thanksgiving. These are:

1) Understand that a difficult relative or family friend may have no idea they are impinging on you. When people just want to feel important, are acting unconsciously, are drinking or just not feeling well, they tend to cross boundaries without even knowing it. Decide to believe that this is true and don't react.

2) Decide ahead of time that you would rather get along with your loved ones than engage in drama. Stay true to what you want the relationship to look like. Chances are good that if you do not respond to their negativity that you can win them over. Kindness is the fastest way to end a drama.

Thanksgiving is Coming - Are You Ready?

In this crazy world we live in, Thanksgiving week is deep in our national psyche.  Some of its associations are positive, like gratitude, time off and good food. Other feelings are more complex.  For instance, tension and expectation, loved ones who have passed away, family arguments and so on.  Nostalgia, drinking, eating to much and expectations of holiday bliss can bring on the holiday blues.

No matter what you are doing for Thanksgiving, do it because you want to do it.  Please do not judge yourself by another's expectation.  Even if this means staying away from an event or leaving early, your choice is the appropriate one.  No one will remember if you forgot the cranberry sauce, but they may  remember your state of mind.

Focusing on good feelings, especially gratitude, often helps.  After all, this is supposed to be the whole point of the holiday. Make sure you give yourself the opportunity to spend time with the most important person in your world – yourself!

Just Think Well of Yourself

Don’t worry about thinking that you are being conceited. Don’t make it complicated. Don’t think “How could I possibly do that”. Just think well of yourself.

Today, dedicate the rest of your day to treating your feelings, thoughts and actions like you would those of a dear friend. Be without judgment. Notice the efforts you make to get things right. Be kind to yourself when you are discouraged. Smile at yourself and at others. Treat yourself with absolute kindness.

Just for today, think well of yourself and others.

When is it Time to Move On?

Life is not static and people, places and things do not stay the same forever. However, understanding from deep within when and how to move on isn’t always easy. Just considering change can be a bewildering and exhausting endeavor - especially if you are very attached to a person, place or thing.

Sometimes it feels easier to just ignore that change is needed. Other times, you may wish to flee a situation at any cost. Unless your life is in danger, give yourself time to come up with the right decision from deep within.

Tools to do this include making a list of “pros” and “cons” and journaling about your feelings. Contemplation and meditation always help. Make financial plans. Make sure you look at the decision you want to make in terms of your mental and physical well-being before looking at its affect on others.

Friends, co-workers and relatives may offer advice given with the best intention - but does it really work for you? Instead, you may wish to talk to a professional who is trained to help you to understand your motives and your capacities for change.

So if you are thinking about moving on, do so bringing your best wisdom and insight to the creation of a new path. Know what your best intentions are. Experience the inner certainty that comes from a well-made decision.

Your Only Obligation. . .

“Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself”

- Richard Bach, Illusions

Can You Admit Your Mistakes?

Everyone makes bad decisions sometimes.  Unless of course one is perfect, and even saints make mistakes before they become realized.   Once you make a mistake it cannot be undone. To not admit a mistake only makes it easier to repeat. Repeating mistakes only makes eventual self-punishment worse.

The mind is a funny thing.  It can tell you, "It's alright. No one will find out, no one will get hurt."  But in the meantime, what happens to you?  Are you still able to feel the same way about yourself?  Do you find yourself having to hide things for people you care about? Do you live with the fear of being found out?

Since mistakes are inevitable, it is usually best to find someone to whom you can trust to listen to you. They must also be someone you can trust not to gossip. Try to sort out with this confidant how to resolve your mistake.  You might be surprised that what you have done is not as bad as you think.  Or maybe it is as bad as you think - maybe you are guilty of hurting a person who is innocent.

By talking to someone you can begin to resolve how you feel and if it is appropriate make amends to the person or people your mistake affected. The main thing is, by not keeping your secret to yourself you take responsibility for yourself so you can move on.

You are a victim of your own bad decisions when you don’t deal with them.  If you treat yourself with enough kindness and firmness there is a good chance that you will be able to resolve your mistake with the least amount of hurt involved for everyone.  

Need a Roadmap for Living?

I don’t mean a one sized template that fits all. I mean a map that works for YOU. One you create from your needs and desires that actually changes your life for the better, that lets you know real change is possible. You can take any number of steps to make that happen. Here are a few:

.

• Write letters to yourself about what you love and what doesn’t work for you.

• Go inward. Discover meditation and contemplation.

• Make time for others. Let others really know you. Talk to someone today. Tell another person who you are and what you need

  These efforts will increase your capacity to be fully human. Maybe not all at once, but they are an important first step because they set you on a right direction, which is all a good map does. By knowing what direction is best for you, you can begin to see the outline of your own soul.

The Brain and the Mind are in the Same Soup

A lot of people like to believe that life’s decisions are made in their minds, not in their physical bodies. I believe this is true only part of the time. I believe a lot of what we think and feel and do is modulated by the influence of our bodies.

For instance, people become drug and alcohol dependent when their minds create the the stories needed to continue to reproduce a chemical bath the body craves. Others are so obsessed with sex that even as their families are falling apart, they can rationalize participation in the rush of illicit sexual contact. Still others store memories of childhood abuse in their muscles and bones, not understanding how the trapped painful memories still control their behavior as adults.

The mind and body are an interdependent force field, and isolation is the enemy that keeps one stuck in that field. Once a person learns to reach beyond themselves for help and support with their habits and addictions, the chance of becoming into a happier and healthier person is greatly enhanced.

To Thine Own Self Be True. . .

“This above all: to thine own self be true

and it will follow as the night to the day

thou canst not then be false to any man”

- Hamlet

How Do You Talk To Yourself?

A person can be much more negative towards themselves than anyone else could.  The human mind is built to try to solve problems, to notice when things are not right, and to remember negative outcomes.  Critical thinking can keep us safe. But unfortunately this can lead to talking to oneself in a harsh way.

Understanding this is the first step toward being nicer to oneself.  Most self-criticism is overblown or unnecessary,  For instance, if you parents said you were not good at math, this idea will bob up in your mind every time math comes into your life.  Even if you are actually adequate in math, you would still habitually believe otherwise. Or perhaps a love affair did not go as you wish. The pain could easily lead you to think you were the main problem when you were not.

Learning to replace negative thoughts with positive ones is a process that can start immediately, but usually happens over time.  This is ok - trying to change overnight can be overwhelming. Practicing letting go of one's negativity with rational, positive thinking will eventually win the day. 

Don't Pretend to be Non-monogamous...

…unless you truly are. As a therapist I often see people reeling from the pain of trying out “non-monogamy” in order to keep someone in their lives. The idea of losing someone can be dreadful. But the trauma of non-monogamy when you don’t really want it is almost always going to be worse.

There are, of course, plenty of people who make a healthy choice to be non-monogamous. But couples should both be clear on why they want to bring someone else into their relationship. Boundaries should be set. A community that can function as a support system may also be an asset. This is truly different than agreeing to be non-monogamous because your partner wants to see someone besides you.