Why Codependency Doesn't Work

Codependency is a largely unconscious attempt to have another person in one's life in a way that makes one feel and loved and needed.  It occasionally, briefly works - which is a hook for a way of living that will ultimately fail.

Many good people live with the idea that they are unworthy or otherwise not very lovable.  In the grip of unpleasant feelings about oneself, the escape to codependency takes root.  Focusing on another person's problems helps one to feel capable and useful. But ultimately, the other person will become an excuse for one's frustration and dissatisfaction.

Some people stay in relationships way too long.  They put up with circumstances that they would never want a friend or loved one to endure.  However, the good news is that codependency can be overcome, and you can put oneself back in the driver's seat of life. 

If you think you may be codependent, by all means reach out for support.  This could mean reading about codependency, talking to someone who knows you and cares about you, going to Codependent's Anonymous and finding a therapist.  Just getting rid of your codependent is often not enough - another will probably come along soon if you haven't changed!

Once free of codependency, life blossoms in ways that you would not have dreamed were possible.

Regards, Cheryl Deaner, LMFT

When Someone Does Not Want to Forgive You

Feeling unforgiven by someone can be very unpleasant.  Your mind may go over and the situation with that person, trying to figure out over and over again how to get forgiveness or what went wrong or if it was even your fault.  But none of this changes the situation.

Here are ways to change the situation:

1)  Have you asked for forgiveness? This is the first and most important step.  Even if you think you did nothing, have you listened to why they feel the way they do and said you were sorry for the way the situation made them feel?  If so, and they haven't forgiven you,

2)  Are you respectful and kind to the person when you need to deal with them?  This may help the other person to understand that you perhaps did not mean to harm them.

3)  Don't keep apologizing.  This will make them less apt to forgive you.  Once is enough.  No one wants to feel coerced into forgiveness by the person they feel harmed them.  Time and space may be necessary for forgiveness.

4)  Some people need to hold onto resentments for some reason that you may never know.  You can't do a thing with this type of person except treat them with courtesy and hope someday they come around.

5)  The only person you can change is yourself, not another person.  What lessons do you learn with someone refuses to forgive?  How do these lessons make you a better person?  If they never forgive you, but you as a result are a better person, then they have given you a great gift.

6)  Let go of them, and forgive yourself.

Warmly, Cheryl Deaner, LMFT#36764

When Ego Gets in the Way

An out-of -control ego is blind to its destructive power. Whether an ego is too big or too small is less important than the amount of pain it causes.  Since an unregulated ego is very hard to see, here are three symptoms of being under its influence:

1. A lack of insight that what feels good in the present can lead to pain in the long run.

2. An unwillingness to consider good advice that runs counter to what one wants.

3. An urgency to do what one wants and an inability to focus on healthier ways of getting one's needs met

There are many factors that limit insight into the demands of one's ego. These include mood swings, family patterns, addiction and habitual choices for a few.  The good news is a person who is willing to do whatever it takes to develop proper ego function can succeed. Here are a few of the ways help regulate the ego:

1. Be willing to ask for and let in the advice and support of friends and family.

2. Realize that everyone makes mistakes, and everyone makes a fool out of themselves sometimes.

3. Become someone you can trust. To trust oneself is to love oneself.

4. Seek professional advice and be willing to experiment with new approaches to your problems

5. Know that people already see us as we are, not what we pretend to be.

6. Cultivate gratitude. It is the underpinning of the sort of humility in life that helps us to fall more gracefully, get up again and learn.

I Wish You the Best,

Cheryl Deaner, LMFT

Are You Running Away from a Feeling?

What feeling do you most want to run away from?  For some it is sadness, or grief - for others, anger or anxiety.  Some can't abide admitting to jealousy or envy.  Often, people do not realize that they are avoiding a feeling.  They may stay busy, drink, socialize or otherwise create barriers to becoming aware of unwanted feelings.

One thing to realize is that feelings can't kill you - but chronically avoiding your feelings actually can!

So try this.  Sit down with a paper and pen.  Think of the thing that bothers you the most for exactly one minute.  Then write about your feelings.  In this way, you are freeing yourself from being a prisoner of a dreaded feeling.  It the feeling continues to occur with intensity, talk it over with someone you trust or maybe a therapist.

Take Care,

Cheryl Deaner, LMFT 36764

Winter Blues

With the holidays over and frequent overcast skies, people can often feel blue.  Sometimes rain, fog and other elements keep one inside more and lead to boredom as well.  Mild depression is the next step.  Depression is often simply the outcome of feeling that one is trapped in the same thing every day.

If you are feeling bored or humdrum or empty, there is a good chance you just have the Winter blues, especially if they subside after a day or two.  If it feels deeper than that, you might be experiencing signs of depression.

Try getting some exercise, talking to a friend about how you feel, eating a healthy meal or going on a little trip.  If doing what you like instead of what you think you should do does not help, then you might consider talking to a professional or counselor about your state.  Life doesn't have to be so hard!

Regards, Cheryl Deaner, LMFT

Gratitude

Gratitude is so much a part of many psychotherapies as well as spiritual paths.  I believe it is because gratitude is a natural way to foster positive movement in a person.  The result of this movement is more happiness.

The mind is a willing servant, and it thinks what a person wants it to think.  As Abraham Lincoln once said, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be".  

Gratefully Yours, Cheryl Deaner, LMFT

Gratitude is so much a part of many psychotherapies as well as spiritual paths.  I believe it is because gratitude is a natural way to foster positive movement in a person.  The result of this movement is more happiness.

The mind is a willing servant, and it thinks what a person wants it to think.  As Abraham Lincoln once said, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be".  

Gratefully Yours, Cheryl Deaner, LMFT

"Controlling" Behavior at Work and it's Affect on Life Balance

The level at which on

The level at which one is aware of their own "controlling" behavior at work is very important. Everyone wants a degree of control in their universe. It is healthy unless one does not realize how it can distort one's reality. A successful person in the marketplace may be rewarded richly for being controlling, yet be baffled that the same controlling behavior backfires miserably at home, or in one's social life.

At work, the capacity to be in control can make one appear competent and accomplished. It can be seen as a leadership quality and bolster one's sense of power. Yet one can base too much of their self-esteem in this sort of external bolstering and it can lead to an unbalanced life.

The term "workaholic" is a catch-all word for this sort of controlling person. Workaholism is insidious. If you are reading this you probably know someone who fits the description. The need to control one's personal relationships as though they were business relationships simply does not work.

Awareness of one's need to control is the first step to changing the pattern. Shifting one's pattern happens when this awareness seeps into other areas of one's life. One can begin to exchange time at work with personal time. Investing in friends, activities outside work and family can allow one to start feeling more human again. 

The habit of being controlling can be hard to overcome. Often, seeking outside support is recommended.

Warm Regards, Cheryl Deaner, LMFT 36764

Revelation

In this New Year, right now, all things are possible.  So why not prepare ourselves for a revelation?  A revelation is defined as a new disclosure, especially one with surprising or valuable information. 

A new year gives us a moment to look up, to see the world anew, to invite new intention and blessings.  Is is a time to let go of the woes that stifle insight and new meanings.

If you want to know what you should do, or to set a new goal, or see things in a different light, be on the lookout for revelation, which always lives in the present moment.  Never give up hope that more will be revealed.

Happy New Year, 

Cheryl Deaner, LMFT

Stopping By the Woods on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.   

His house is in the village though;   

He will not see me stopping here   

To watch his woods fill up with snow.   

My little horse must think it queer   

To stop without a farmhouse near   

Between the woods and frozen lake   

The darkest evening of the year.   

He gives his harness bells a shake   

To ask if there is some mistake.   

The only other sound’s the sweep   

Of easy wind and downy flake.   

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep,   

And miles to go before I sleep.

                                                               -  Robert Frost

The Difficult Art of Maturity

Eleanor Roosevelt's book "You Learn by Living" has a chapter on maturity.  This is my favorite paragraph from that chapter:

 "One must be willing to have knowledge of oneself.  You have to be honest with yourself.  You must try to understand truthfully what makes you do things or feel things.  Until you have been able to face the truth about yourself you cannot be really sympathetic or understanding in regard to what happens to other people.  But it takes courage to face yourself and to acknowledge what motivates you in the things you do."

How true!  Especially the part about courage.  But with courage comes contentment, and that is the best present you can give yourself.

Wishing You All Best,

Cheryl Deaner, LMFT 36764

Gratitude

Having gratitude is part of the philosophy of most motivational speakers and spiritual movements. Why?  Because it amplifies success and creates a well of good fortune to draw from. 

Try this experiment.  Think of a negative situation in your life that happens over and over again.  It could be dealing with a co-worker or traffic or the dishes - really anything.  Decide in advance to create a story of why you are grateful about the situation - even if the story seems a bit artificial.  This is just an experiment, after all. 

The next time the event happens, apply your thoughts of gratitude to the event.  Be creative - you will be surprised what you can come up with!  By focusing on these thoughts, the event itself will actually seem different.

As Abraham Lincoln once said, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." 

Have a Great Monday, Cheryl Deaner, LMFT#36764

What is a Successful Vision?

Manifestation in the material world begins with a clear, direct vision of what you want to create and the commitment to getting there.  Successful people use goal-setting, visualizing, writing, talking to others, therapy, coaching, workshops and many other tools to to create an atmosphere within themselves that will allow them to grow.

Knowing what you want is an act of courage.  There are so many substitutes for what one really wants that are way less scary (and easier!) to implement than going whole-heartedly into the unknown.  But playing it safe will not lead to anything other than moderate success, if that.

Here are two main points to consider:

1)  Have a clear and detailed vision of your success.  Foster a strong belief and longing in yourself that you can do what needs to be done in order to  actualize this success.

3)  Be persistent in your focus until your success manifests into reality.  Your best reality has its own way of coming to manifestation, so be flexible and don't give up too soon!

Thanksgiving Blues

In this crazy world we live in, Thanksgiving week is deep in our national psyche.  Some of its associations are positive, like gratitude, time off and good food. Other feelings are more complex.  For instance, tension and expectation, loved ones who have passed away, family arguments and so on.  Nostalgia, drinking, eating to much and expectations of holiday bliss can bring on the holiday blues.

No matter what you are doing for Thanksgiving, do it because you want to do it.  Please do not judge yourself by another's expectation.  Even if this means staying away from an event or leaving early, your choice is the appropriate one.  No one will remember if you forgot the cranberry sauce, but they may  remember your state of mind.

Focusing on good feelings, especially gratitude, often helps.  After all, this is supposed to be the whole point of the holiday. Make sure you give yourself the opportunity to spend time with the most important person in your world – yourself!

Happy Holiday, Cheryl Deaner, LMFT

What Makes Us Want to Start New Ventures?

I believe that all people have an innate need to create.  Some create families, others businesses and some art.  To create - to express something uniquely oneself -  is a way of feeling fully human.  It expands personal growth and helps one find connection with an audience, friend or lover, business associate or child.  Sometimes, one's own audience is all that is needed.

Creation is often not easy, even when it is enticing.  It can seem like the more important the venture is, the more challenging it can become.  Perhaps this is because change in general is difficult.  But when a change is an important one, it can seem that there is more to lose, so some don't even start.

Yet the challenge is good.  Putting oneself into the wide open sea of ideas and adventure is a good thing.  It keeps one alive and growing.  It helps the rest of the world.

Good luck today in all your challenges and ventures!

Cheryl

“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.” Henry Thoreau, Walden

This alarming sentence still applies today. When having a “good” job is seen as the goal of adulthood, it is easy to close other doors to one's full humanity and become unbalanced . Or perhaps it is something else: being too much of a caregiver, being unemployed or disabled, or in a destructive relationship.

To start to move away from “quiet desperation,” one needs to discover what else is important at the core of one's identity. For instance, how important is it for you to expand the relational, physical, spiritual and social side of life? Is there something else you would rather do to make a living, whether or not friends or family approve? Is there an interest that makes it worth while to go back to school? What is really important in life?

Keeping the universal aspects of one's humanity open for exploration is step one toward creating a balanced, happy life. Having the courage to explore what is essential puts one on the path to deep contentment.

Write in a journal about each aspect of what is essential to you. Talk these over with friends. Make plans to infuse the neglected aspects of your life. Even if they seem impractical, they will manifest down the line.

No one should have to lead an empty life.

Regards,

Cheryl Deaner, LMFT 36764

Is it Depression, or Anxiety?

Where Does Depression End and Anxiety Begin?

Many people suffer from both depression and anxiety. Some of the symptoms of these differing states are shared. In fact, depression can bring on anxiety, or vice versa. And then there are feelings that could be either, such as worrying, irritability and sleeplessness. So if you feel foggy or exhausted or distracted, it could be either anxiety or depression.  Here is a ballpark way to figure out which is which.

Anxiety is an emotion based more on fear than anything else. Depression isbased more in sadness.  Using this as a guideline, keep a record of how much you feel anxiety or depression in a day with 0 being none at all, and 10 being the utmost state. If you do this for three weeks, you should have a clearer picture of where your feelings are coming from.

Also, feel free to call me anytime if anxiety or depression is becoming a problem for you.

Regards,

Cheryl Deaner, LMFT 36764

Substitutes for Intimacy

Intimacy can seem unattainable, but often the reasons for this are often not the ones you think are obvious.  For instance, do you work to much?  Watch TV most evenings, spend more than you earn?  Party a little too hardy?  These are common substitutes for closeness.  They may bring a temporary measure of pleasure, power or satisfaction, but keep one from facing the lack in one's life.

Finding intimacy is not only ditching your vices, but first being willing to face and replace them. There are reasons that you have developed these habitual responses to your need for intimacy.  To go there can be scary, but it can change your life.  A word of caution - don't go there all alone.  Talk to a friend, therapist, family member or other trusted person about what you really want, and how to get there.

Warm Regards,                                                                                                                              Cheryl Deaner, LMFT 36764

7 Tips to Help Make Friends With Your Mind

A mind turned against its owner is a sad sight. The person may see all the good in the world in others, but be unable to see the good in themselves. Even when others point it out their good, they do not believe it is true.

What causes a mind to be one's enemy? Often, a past and present condition, and sometimes even a person's physiology. However, a lot can be done to change these sad circumstances.

Below are a few steps one can take to make friend with one's mind:

1. Take care of one's physical body. Eat, sleep and exercise can go a long way to righting one's frame of mind about oneself.

2. Talk to someone you trust about how you are feeling. Make sure to set aside time when them when they can really listen.

3. Take a break from the people who bother you. Go off by yourself if necessary. A walk in the woods, a mental health day, or other solitary activity can allow you time to make better friends with your mind.

4. Meditate. If you don't know how, sit by yourself in quiet for 5 minutes. Close your eyes, breathe, and allow your thoughts to stream by without getting caught up in them.

5. See a doctor. If you have an unpleasant feeling about yourself that you cannot shake, there may be a physiological disconnect happening in your body. Depression and anxiety, forgetfulness and other states can show up in testing. Even a vitamin deficiency can wreck havoc with your mood.

6. Thought stopping. Just say to yourself the next time you find that yourself picking on yourself: “I choose not to have this thought”, and change the dialog with your mind. You can actually do that. Try it!

7. If you still find that you are down on yourself after all these suggestions,  it may be time for you to see a professional therapist, psychologist or counselor.

Best of Luck to You,                                                                               Cheryl Deaner, LMFT#36764

Is There Time for Everyday Magic in Your Life?

What brings a sense of magic to your life?  Is it a friend, a vacation, an idea or a spiritual quest?

Today, be alert to how many ways you can see the same thing.  The mind has a tendency to want to see things the same way, and constantly bends the edges of our actual experiences to conform us to routine.

Most people are unaware, or only slightly aware, that they are doing this. Their focus is on what they want to accomplish or avoid in a day, so any glimpse of that which doesn't conform is ignored. 

There is a little "magic" available to us all everyday.  So do the thing you think about but push aside.  Walk an extra block.  Speak kindly to someone you are not sure likes you.  Come back to the present moment over and over, for it is the doorway to new opportunity.

Cheryl Deaner, LMFT#36764

The Smell of Autumn

Autumn is in the air today - a blue, clear slightly windy day that turns one away from Summer even faster than the trees lose their leaves.  These are the few brief weeks before the Fall of the year takes one inward.

What has 2017 meant to you?  What can it still mean?  Today is a great day to sort out 2017 -  to note what you would like to still accomplish, to let go of what you thought the year would be like.

Today, if things are not going the way you want them to go, it may be a time to seek the ear of a friend, a confident, a therapist, mentor or other good listener.  The truth is always inside you, if you will look for it.

Warm Regards,

Cheryl Deaner, LMFT