Thinking About Therapy?

A lot of folks think about going to therapy five or six times before they actually investigate it. Or perhaps they have a therapist's number that a friend gave them tucked away somewhere just in case. . .

While it's true that therapy is an investment in oneself, I think one of the the biggest fears people have is that the therapist they call will not work for them. Sometimes the person they contact is not a good fit. But more often than not, it is. Therapy provides a place to find answers that have remained frustratingly opaque, or share a burden that won't otherwise go away. Therapy can reduce one's stress and help to heal a broken heart.  It can be an invaluable tool for growth.

So all in all, I think it's worth the gamble of investigation. Please let me offer you a 15 minute free consultation to see if therapy might work. If it doesn't feel like we would be a good match, I am happy to help you to find someone else to work with you.  You have nothing to lose, and perhaps something valuable to gain.

Wishing You Well,

Cheryl

Thinking about Therapy?

A lot of folks think about going to therapy five or six times before they actually investigate it. Or perhaps they have a therapist's number that a friend gave them tucked away somewhere just in case. . .

While it's true that therapy is an investment in oneself, I think one of the the biggest fears people have is that the therapist they call will not work for them. Sometimes the person they contact is not a good fit. But more often than not, it is. Therapy provides a place to find answers that have remaineded frustratingly opaque, or share a burden that won't otherwise go away. Therapy can reduce one's stress and help to heal a broken heart.  It can be an invaluable tool for growth.

So all in all, I think it's worth the gamble of investigation. Please let me offer you a 15 minute free consultation to see if therapy might work between us. If it doesn't feel like we would be a good match, I am happy to help you to find someone else to work with you.  You have nothing to lose, and perhaps something valuable to gain.

Wishing You Well,

Cheryl

Want Something? Set Your Mind to It!

First, you must want something then:

1) Think about what you want. Explore the depths of why you want it and how you want it and when.

2) Make sure it is something you have control over - i.e., not controlling someone else's behavior but changing your own.

3) Be determined!  Set goals, think about it every day, talk to others about it, study the subject.

4) Be flexible. After you have explored your goal, you may find that the goal was only a preliminary step toward something even greater.

5) Be grateful that you know you want something. Too many people go through life not knowing what they want at all. You are fortunate.

The best of luck to you!

Cheryl

Coming Back after Blog Fatigue

For years now I have pretty much written my blog twice a week - but earlier this month, I hit a wall.  Sometimes it is good just to step back from a dicipline, hobby or activity for awhile. 

Today is the first day I have felt like making an entry since the beginning of the month.  Its been a good break and I look forward to blogging again in the near future. 

Is there something you would like to let go of in your life, if only for a few days, hours or weeks?  Even things we like need refreshment sometimes.

Warmly,
Cheryl

Trying to Have Things Both Ways

Often, trying to have things both ways is not so obvious to a person. For instance, they may not like someone but really want that person to think highly of them. Or they may secretly hate their job yet be quite upset when they don't get a great review. Sexual affairs fall into this category as well.

Whatever the case is, trying to have things both ways creates a double life that takes a lot of energy and doesn't allow for personal advancement. Wanting to have one's cake and eat it too is simply denial. Sooner or later, a person is going to find they are having bad feelings that seem to come out of nowhere, like confusion, guilt, anger and feeling trapped.

You owe it to yourself to stop and examine what is going on. Take a break, talk it out with a friend, see a therapist, meditate and contemplate what your unease is all about. It is not always easy, but it is so worth it.

Have a Great Weekend,

Cheryl

F.E.A.R. - False Evidence Appearing Real

Our imaginations are often no good to us when it comes to fear. Imagination can be a rabbit hole that can take you away from the resources you need to overcome your anxiety.

Think back to all the times you feared something would happen - how often did it happen just the way you thought it would?

It's not that scary things don't happen in life, its that 90% of the time the imminent danger is not where we think it will be. So 90% of the worry and anxiety about an upcoming event simply steals our energy.

The point is, if we know that the things we should fear are largely unpredictable, it frees us to work on being the kind of person that can handle the raw deals that everyone receives sometimes.

Learning to be grounded, to examine our fears realistically and to breathe when we feel tense will work wonders for not anticipating and creating fear.

Have a Calm and Peaceful Week

Cheryl

Obstacles

One of the biggest challenges in life is learning to appreciate its obstacles.  Everything - from missing a bus to being fired or jilted can be made better by holding this viewpoint. 

People like to have control of what happens so much that a new direction, even a much better one, is often overlooked. Every problem allows a moment to decide to do things differently, to change course.

No one gets a "perfect" life where nothing potentially negative happens. If they did these would probably be the most boring, dull people you would ever meet. Change is not always easy, but it is infinitely easier knowing that there is almost always a gift from it waiting to be opened.

Warmly,

Cheryl

So said Sigmund Freud - but I think that's an easy answer to a more complicated theme

So said Sigmund Freud - but I think that's an easy answer to a more complicated theme. How one makes themselves available to love, and how one thrives at work are practices that can take a lifetime to develop.  

Go inside yourself - and then find others to help you develop these capacities. Treat your body and mind well and they will guide you.

Life may be complicated, but it doesn't have to be hard!

Sincerely,

Cheryl

INDIAN SUMMER

INDIAN SUMMER
 

With the first day of Fall, Indian Summer has also arrived in the San Francisco Bay area. The days are a glorious blue - and warm. Days are visibly shortening. What is your expectation for the rest of the year? Do you want to take your time drawing inward, or does Autumn typically mean gearing up for activity and holidays?

Even if you don't take the time to notice, the changing atmosphere will have an affect on you. You may feel a bit wistful, or have a need for increased attention to work. Here are a few things people think about this time of year:

What was happening this time last year?

What still remains to be done this year?

What are you grateful for?

Savoring the turn of the season and can allow for a more gracious transition as the year turns toward it's quiet time.

Here's to the Earth's Turning,

Cheryl

Food is medicine.

Food is medicine. 

This the saying of medical professionals, saints and seers from all generations, yet the concept can be difficult for most of us to wrap our heads around. Our media often shows food as reward, extra energy and happiness. This is true - but the paths shown to these are often very, very misleading - sugar, fat, preserved foods with very long shelf lives - you get the idea.
 

Contemplate that you CAN actually use food for reward, extra energy and happiness as well as health, stamina and glowing skin if you pick your foods wisely.  Make it a goal to try to learn how to do this before it is too late to heal what years of careless eating will do to you and the quality of your life.

Be Well,

Cheryl

Flexibility and Labor Day

It takes courage to be a flexible person - at least at first.

Flexibility means having enough trust in oneself that one can afford to consider the opinions and ideas of others.  In doing so, one invites creativity, wealth and new growth to one's own life.

During a holiday or vacation, people are usually more open to flexibility because routines are interrupted and a bigger picture of the world is being presented to them.  So take advantage of this coming Labor Day weekend to try something new, listen more carefully, or take a new direction.  It will help expand your worldview, and strengthen your trust in yourself and others.

Happy Labor Day,
Cheryl

Vacation

I will be on vacation from August 24 until August 30. 

Warm Regards,
Cheryl

All Paths Are The Same. . .

"All paths are the same, leading nowhere.  Therefore, pick a path with heart!"

                                                                                  - Carlos Castaneda

As much as I would like to think that paths do lead to somewhere, in the end I will go out with what I came in with.  But I also believe that by picking a path with a heart will make all the difference both then and now.

Warmly,
Cheryl

Feeling Miserable

Everyone feels miserable sometimes, but how long it lasts and what comes from it varies. 

People often have much more control over feeling miserable than they think.  Most people when they feel desperately sad, angry or hurt think during the time they are feeling it that it is how they will ALWAYS feel and have always felt. 

Actually, it is hard to be miserable consistently for more than 15 minutes at a time.  Our minds don't want us to feel more than we can handle and will automatically shut down on particular feelings at a certain point.  The feelings may come back, but there is a break, if only to feel numb.

Some people feel like they are wallowing if they don't feel up to doing what they or others expect of them because they are feeling down.  This is not true either.

You don't have to live in a miserable state.  Focus on the cause of your misery, but then focus on the fact that misery has a short shelf life - and when you get a break from the feeling, stretch it out as long as you can. 

Finally, if misery continues for more than a few days, get support from a therapist or someone you believe can help you.  Loneliness is a trigger for misery, so seek to avoid being lonely.

Hoping This Helps,
Cheryl

How Can You Be Your Best if You Don't Know Your Dreams?

All of us dream, but not everyone can access their dreams.  Knowing what you really want can be scary.  You might upset the apple cart of your life, cause pain for someone, or have to take financial risks.  So dreams go unconscious - except do they really?  Our do they bump around in the corners of your mind, while you wonder why you are so bored or dissatisfied?

To find out what you are dreaming often means disconnecting from the day to day in your life and just listening.  Listening to yourself may seem difficult if you are not used to doing it.  But what you want is inside you.  Find a place to be quiet, if only for 5 minutes, and listen.  If this is not enough, then perhaps you need to find a good therapist who can listen to you listen to your own words.

Good luck in your journey.  For when you find your dreams, you can then create a roadmap you need to realize them.

Cheryl Deaner,
LMFT 36764

Your Physical Pain Can Become Mental Pain

Many people's minds and bodies feel disconnected, and they are surprised at just how much these two different systems can influence each other.

Physical pain does several things to the personality.  It can create depression.  It can make one irritable and impatient, or feeling unfit to be around others.  One might even feel hopeless, or have thoughts of ending things. 

It you are in physical pain, see a doctor or a healer.  So much suffering in this world is needless - there is no moral good to "toughing it out", especially when pain becomes chronic.  

Take Care,
Cheryl Deaner, LMFT #36764

Are You Behaving in Old, Codependent or Addictive Ways?

If you find yourself behaving in old, codependent or addictive ways, if you find yourself not liking the words coming out of your mouth, or that old sense of despair that things always end up the same way, this is a sign to start taking yourself more seriously.  Get the support you need, it is always out there if you will look for it.

Get more sleep, better food, take a walk, talk to someone.  Do what you need to do.  If these things are not enough find a therapist, spiritual path, or 12 step program.  Reach out further than yourself.  You are more than simply the sum of how others have treated you in life.  And don't you forget it!

Warmly,
Cheryl

Feeling Balanced Today?

People talk about life/work balance a lot - but in the 168 hours you have in a week, how do you actually spend this gift of time?  How many hours per week are you giving yourself the present of being present?  Of being happy, absorbed and content?

Figuring out how to enjoy life - even during times that might feel like drudgery, is a learned skill.  It may take some time to figure out how, but you can do it.  You need the right tools, and the willingness to use them.

Take 15 minutes today to do exactly what you want.  How does it feel?  How does your day feel afterwards?

Be Happy,
Cheryl

Perfectionism

Perfectionism is seen as a positive and a negative trait, depending on the circumstances in which it is found.  But it is not such a good trait when tied to self-criticism.  Some people who experience it believe that nothing they ever do will be quite good enough.  So they work and work and then get depressed, irritable or angry.  The voice of perfectionism is an illusion that serves to disconnect people from who they really are.  So even if the perfectionist does something perfectly, they still do not experience deep satisfaction. 

How one goes about collecting the tools and safety to explore their true self often starts with therapy, but seldom just stays there.  Once the self is awakened, life becomes clearer, more immediate and more fun.  It is also more interesting!

If you suffer from perfectionism and have read this far, please call me and let's talk about ways you can go beyond having to be perfect. 

Warm Regards,
Cheryl Deaner, LMFT
415 282 2200

Dealing with Difficult People, Tips 7 through 10

7) Are you truly able to listen?  Not listening and not understanding can lead to shouting, withdrawal and hurt feelings.  Listen to the person without interrupting and look at them.  When they are completely done, ask ifyou can repeat back to them what you heard for clarification.

8) It is human to confuse fighting with caring, especially if this was what was modeled in one's family. This “negative caring” can lead to full-out relationship war. Is it easier to fight than communicate? If so, seek more positive ways of caring as quickly as you can.

9) You can't always get another person to seek help so you may have to do the changing.  But don't worry – if you change, they will have to change over time. Relationships are like any other system – if you change your output, it follows that the system will change.

10)  Is your life out of balance? Is it possible you are so caught up with your career, other people, hobbies and activities that you are neglecting your most important relationships? Do you spend much less quality time with the difficult person than you once did?

Relationships more than anything else help us grow and mature in life. They polish off our rough edges and support us to live longer and happier lives.

Often, the most powerful secret to changing another person's behavior is simply to treat them differently. It is often the fastest and best way to get out of a nasty situation with someone you care about.

Have a Great Week!
Cheryl