Self-pity - as I define it - is a lack of ability to feel empathy for oneself. Empathy is an emotion rooted in caring. To have empathy for oneself leads to taking action to ameliorate bad situations. Self-pity, however, not only invites more abuse but distances those who might otherwise be supportive.
Self-pity often begins in early childhood, when those who should have shown empathy for a child failed to do so. The child learns they are not responsible for the way they are treated and that nothing can be done about it. In an adult, this becomes self-pity. The person feeling sorry for themselves does not take the lead to change their plight, as someone else is to blame. Self-pity is not only toxic for the sufferer but for everyone around them.
Almost everyone has a bout of self-pity now and then, but most people get tired of it rather quickly and move on to change their condition. Because they have empathy for themselves, they care about making their situation better. They don't stay stuck. If someone you know (or you!) are feeling mired in feeling sorry for themselves, here are some ways to let go of this destructive emotion:
1) Put a time limit on self-pity. After 5 minutes, start looking for solutions.
2) Try to notice if the suffering is complicated by depression or anxiety. If you think it is, perhaps a therapist or other medical professional can help.
3) Limit complaining to others. It just reinforces being stuck and drives them away. Instead, lay out your problem but put your focus what you can do to better your situation.
4) Making a gratitude list as a way of draining the toxicity of self-pity. Make the list at least 10 items long.
5) Stop being a victim – simply refuse to victimize oneself!