More intimacy can seem unattainable, but often not for the obvious reasons. For instance, do you work too much? Watch TV most evenings or spend more than you earn? Party a little too hardy? These are common substitutes for closeness. They may bring a temporary measure of pleasure, power or satisfaction, but afterwards, emptiness remains.
Creating more intimacy in one’s life is not just about eliminating vices. That would only lead to new vices! In my practice, I have found that the most common reasons people lack intimacy are:
1) They were not raised with healthy-enough models of intimacy, so don’t gravitate toward personal intimacy in their adult life. Or it feels natural to seek intimacy with people who don’t want to be close.
2) Intimacy is scary for reasons that are too uncomfortable to face. The individual cannot resolve the issue in their own heads and becomes a prisoner of the past.
To start understanding why you are stuck and how you can get out, sharing your concerns with a good friend, therapist, trusted family member or other safe mentor is highly recommended. Sometimes, it may be the only path to finding the intimacy you want and deserve.