During times of stress and change, all of us have greater access to our inner selves. We are given the energy we need to create a better reality for ourselves and those we care about.  What do you really want to do with this one precious life of yours? Below are some articles I have written that talk about the spiritual process of becoming the person you are meant to be:

List of articles:

Codependency:  "Who am I Without Others?"

Alchemy

Living Well While Being Single

In My Country - The Movie Review

When It's Time To See A Therapist

City of Refuge

Codependency - "Who am I Without Others?"

When you find yourself obsessed with someone, walking on eggshells to keep someone you care about from leaving, or trying to figure out how to keep someone safe from themselves, you may be experiencing signs of codependency. Codependency is an uneasy kind of love where one's own true feelings and needs become secondary to someone else's. It often results in unhappiness, frustration and exhaustion instead of closeness and understanding.

What is the difference between codependency and just caring a lot about someone? I define codependency as the habit of avoiding oneself by focusing on another person. When one is having a codependent relationship, healthy love, respect and trust are compromised. If a codependent pattern has gone too far, establishing an important relationship on better footing may seem almost impossible.

Codependency is often a pattern that develops over time, so it can be hard to see. It is also reinforced by occasional payoffs – both on the conscious and unconscious levels. Conscious payoffs may include feeling needed and useful. And you need not feel alone, even when you are, because that other person is on your mind. Other conscious payoffs may include the experiences of infatuation or drama, which can give rise to feelings of romance or excitement that one might be afraid would otherwise pass them by.

Unconscious roots of codependency run deeper. Sometimes, people develop codependency as a life-long strategy of handling fear and trauma by focusing on others. In some families, about the only positive attention a child gets is when they are being useful and undemanding. As adults, these people often end up care taking others beyond what is useful to either person. A person who is frequently criticized and judged at any age can become vulnerable to believing that they are not worthy of their own support and attention. These are just a few of co dependency's causes.

Ultimately, the worst thing about codependency is that it puts you in the backseat of your own life.

To be in the backseat of one's own life means that one's own natural talents and abilities may not be fully realized or even recognized. Because codependency is draining, codependent people may find that they do not have the energy or confidence they need to carry out personal goals, including finding the kind of love they deserve. The habit of focusing too much on others means that ultimately, a person will miss taking charge of the only thing anyone can really take charge of – their own life.

If you think you may have codependent leanings, you are not alone. If you feel stuck in codependent patterns with someone you care about, there is a silver lining: because codependency is a habitual state, it can be changed. Although this self-stifling pattern may not dissolve overnight, there are many tools available if you are serious about freeing yourself from it.

First, it is very important that you find supportive people that you can trust to help you break the codependency habit. To try to break this kind of habit just by reading about it is like trying to learn to swim without getting into the water. Find supportive friends and family with whom to talk. Also, it can be helpful to work with a therapist who understands codependency in order to develop a greater understanding of not only what you want to change but how you plan to get there.  You may also want to attend group therapy, or try 12-step groups like Co-dependents Anonymous (CoDA) or Al-Anon. Groups like these can be motivating because you will find people there who are already working on issues similar to yours.

Here are some other tools to help you to free yourself of codependency:

 * Keep a journal. Write about what you are grateful for, what you want out of your life, and what is stopping you. Self-focus is easier when you can actually see your thoughts on paper.

 * Pleasing yourself has its own reward. Remember what activities or hobbies you like and do them – even if no one else in your life wants to do them with you.

 * Become more aware of your inner world. Take time from your day to contemplate and meditate. If you remember your dreams at night, write them down.

 * Take a relationship inventory. Who in your current life makes a better or a worse person out of you when you are with them? You don't have to be someone's friend just because they want you to be.  Seek out people who help you to grow inwardly.
    
 * Stop “enabling” others. If someone you are helping is not improving, check in with yourself. How do you feel - are you worried or resentful? Is you “help” really helping?

 * Avoid the payoffs of codependency, such as approval for doing more than your share, or getting sucked in to drama and infatuation. These are inner enemies. Note what feelings different people and places bring up for you.

 * When you find you are obsessed, take time and space away from the person or thing you are obsessed with. Setting interpersonal boundaries can help to put your focus back on yourself .  Generally, others will respect you more for it as well.
 
* Develop a sense of spirituality. This can be as simple as appreciating nature, focusing on a hobby or talking to a wise person. Developing a concept of having a higher power within yourself that has answers for you is also helpful.

The most important tool in all of this is that you think well of yourself. This may feel awkward or even like you are just pretending at first. Yet it is critically important to making progress. One of the most heartbreaking things is to watch a codependent person trying so hard to fix things, only to fail and then turn on themselves. People can treat themselves much more harshly than anyone else would. Codependency and low-self esteem go hand in hand so let go of that inner voice that says you can't change. The beginning of recovery can be just as simple as allowing oneself to begin to see what is good and true about oneself.

It is my hope that you will start to rid yourself of codependent patterns with those you care about by trying out at least one of these tools today. To do so is to begin the process of learning what you need to know about healing your life and your relationships - from the inside out. 

Alchemy

Trying to be happy can be a tricky business. Like many of us, I wake each day looking for happiness, as well as its corollary, peace of mind. After years of searching, I have discovered that no one person or thing is enough in itself to always ensure my happiness - not loved ones, friends or family, education or lack thereof, a paycheck, a perfect therapist, a perfect cocktail, good nutrition, physical conditioning, or a spiritual outlook on life.

What I have found is that happiness is all in our heads - and what's going on in my head is a bit strange to think about. After all, our brains are made up of a bunch of soft, gelatinous "stuff" resting in an electrochemical bath. Without thick skulls and inner layers of shock absorbers, we literally wouldn't be able to keep our heads together. So how is it that despite this we can hope for - and often find - something so abstract as happiness?

This is when my thoughts turn to alchemy.  Alchemy was the ancient pursuit of trying to change base metals into gold. By the 19th century, however, modern chemistry replaced alchemy and people came to believe in the Periodic Table of Elements, which proved that new matter could not be generated from existing matter. Alchemy became looked upon as a pseudo-science, the mere product of hopeful imagination. So how is it that we as human beings are more than the sum of our brain chemistry?

We are more than the sum of our components because we possess a gift that is more valuable than gold. That gift is our own volition, an element that will never be found on the Periodic Table. Volition gives us free will, allowing us to create and recreate our emotional and physical world in complex and unfathomable ways. We can choose - at any moment - to use multiple intelligences and reasoning powers to create new, richer and happier realities for ourselves.

Volition is not the same as self-will. It cannot not keep us from our own painful truths, "irrational" feelings and paralyzing vulnerabilities. Volition is a gift that works best when combined with chemistry - that is, the chemistry of other people's minds. Because when two or more people connect, new matter is generated from limited, existing matter. By allowing ourselves the experience the power of our own volition we give ourselves the potentiality of hope, faith and change. So activate yourself today. Talk to someone. Something as simple as a smile can begin to bring the magic of alchemy into your life.


Living Well While Being Single

 Being single changes the tenor of your relationships with others. It gives you the time to be more sensitive and aware of the impact of your interactions with others. It can positively affect the quality of both your work and your play. And if you decide to partner again, it can help you to do so with an enhanced self-knowledge of who you are and what works for you in a relationship - which is basic to being able to give and receive love and respect. However, becoming single can also be a bit of an adjustment.

One of the reasons people sometimes fear being single is that they confuse being alone with being lonely. To be lonely is to lack something - it is a desolate feeling that usually lasts for a few seconds to a few minutes at a time, and that is often tied to a mood. When one feels lonely in a relationship, the feeling can be more painful than any loneliness that can be experienced while being alone.

Being alone simply means being with your self. And since your self is the only person in this life that you will really actually know, the only person you can hope to please or can hope to exert some control over, to why not enjoy the person that you are? However, just as it takes work to get the most out of being partnered, being a good partner for ones self is much more enjoyable if you make an effort. Below are some thoughts and observations I have about the kind of self-effort that can make being alone a rewarding experience:

1) Have a good support system, and especially include single friends. If you need to develop a better support system, here is a way to get started. Create a list of people you would like to get to know better. Contemplate what you can offer them. It could be a phone call, an idea, walk in the park or a movie - it doesn't matter really, the important thing is that you are offering to give of yourself. Even if the other person does not accept, letting them know that you value them is a good action that ultimately will strengthen you.

2) With regards to your work, if you don't like what you do, now is the time to explore something new. Focus on your career - and on making enough money. If you are alone and get sick or have an accident and cannot afford to take care of yourself, not only will you suffer in body but in mind. On the other hand, watch out for becoming obsessed with your work. Compulsive work habits can be a deceptive way of avoiding things you need to deal with. They can be even more unhealthy than being under-employed.

3) Yes, you have intimacy needs and what are they? Are they being met? Do you like being touched in body, mind and/or spirit? Most people need some form of these of these styles of intimacy to really enjoy life. Let go of your pre-conceptions of what is good or bad and listen to your inner voice. If something, or someone, doesn't work out, give yourself credit for trying and move on. Be patient. You may not get everything you want on your timetable but if you are thinking about it, it's our there.

4) Take really good care of your physical body. Eat well, exercise and get enough sleep. If it has been more than a year, go to the doctor and get a checkup. Treat your body like you would a beloved child's. After all, it is the vehicle that keeps you in this world. Avoid becoming habituated to anything. When alone, no one else may be there to notice that you have slid into a bad habit. It can be easy to hide bad choices from our selves when there is a temporary pay off.

5) Stay out of the dark corners of your mind where enemies such as doubt, anger, resentments and shame might live. Focusing on negative feelings or past bad experiences can create negative chemical reactions in your body that can make you sick. The past is dead, and the future is but a dream. If you can't stop ruminating or your problems simply feel overwhelming, talk to someone about them. If you don't have someone you intuitively feel would be good to talk to, find a therapist, clergy person or other professional listener.

6) Be gentle with yourself. Many people believe that in order to change they have to scold, push and/or punish themselves. This harshness, even if it sometimes gets you to do something, is so depleting to our central nervous systems that it is almost never worth it! Instead of beating yourself up, do something really nice for yourself. Or, even more effectively, simply decide to think well of yourself. Thinking well of yourself is not only good for you but it is also good for those around you.

Being gentle with yourself is so important, that I would like to offer you my own definition of self-gentleness in closing:

To be gentle with myself is to be kind, considerate and encouraging of my very own self. It is to love myself in the way that I have always wanted and deserved to be loved. And when I live in this space of love, I then become the kind of person I want to find in the world.

In My Country - The Movie Review
The Crisis and Salvation of Telling the Truth

Sony Classics: released 2005 and now available on DVD 2006
Produced by: Lynn Hendee and Bob Chartoff
Directed by: John Boorman
Starring: Juliette Binoche and Samuel L. Jackson
Based on Antie Krog's novel "Country of My Skull"

In My Country is set in South Africa in 1994 after the fall of Apartheid, the brutal regime that had been set up to favor the nation's 10% white citizenry. Newly elected President Nelson Mandela, in a move that is as pragmatic as it is enlightened, has just created the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, (TRC). The TRC is to be a series of public national hearings in which all citizens, regardless of their skin tone, will have the opportunity to tell the truth about what happened during Apartheid.

The movie stars Juliette Binoche as Anna Malan, a white Afrikaans poet, and Samuel L. Jackson as Langston Whitfield, an African American reporter on assignment to cover the TRC for the Washington Post. Anna, whose family directly benefited from Apartheid, hopes that the truth alone will give the country a clean slate, a new start. Langston, who is African but American in his thinking, hopes for a more punitive, legalistic form of justice. Anna and Langston clash instantly. However, as they wend their way across South Africa, their relationship, like their lives, become transformed.

The TRC was enacted at a time when the entire country was so deeply engrained in mistrust and injustice that all of its citizens were traumatized. We therapists who work with a systems approach to trauma are familiar with the roles people have taken on in this movie - mainly, those of victims, perpetrators and bystanders. These roles, which had been taken on to politically survive in the unhealthy atmosphere of Apartheid, had left South Africa's citizens feeling fragmented, despairing and less than human.

The TRC succeeded where many post-war tribunals did not. Perhaps it was because it was conducted through a uniquely African cultural lens - one which you can also sense by watching this movie. Foremost in this approach was the African spiritual and philosophical concept of Ubuntu, which means "a person is a person through other people."

As the hearings moved from township to township, it was Ubuntu that helped them to accept that no matter what had happened to them or what they had done to others, in their neighbor's shoes, they too would probably have followed the same dictates of group survival. Logically, in order to become human again, you would find the lost parts of yourself in the truths of those to whom you had lost all understanding. In a way, the TRC was rather like a psychic lost and found. But instead of going to therapy to share your truth and your feelings, you had to share them with those who you had harmed or who had harmed you.

Truth telling, as we know, has its pitfalls and complexities, which also come out in this movie. As Dumi, Anna's black South African assistant, tries to explain to an angry Langston, "It's not that simple, bro. It's not always black and white. Sometimes it's gray."

How is Ubuntu relevant to us? First, those whom we see have often been compromised, not only by abuse and trauma but also by the lies that were used to cover up the truth. Our patients often come in feeling isolated and unsure of their own reality. To be a good bridge for them, we need to not only have the capacity to bear witness to their stories but to hold their truth for them, and truth can be a very messy thing. It can be blunt and it can reactivate both our patient's as well as our own carefully guarded traumas. But it can also lead to salvation.

As the Truth and Reconciliation Hearings move across the country, Anna and Langston experience and re-experience the price that Apartheid's unjust and divisive policies have taken on every element of society. What messages can we take away from a movie about give and take when we live in a country where our government lulls us with tales of our national greatness and where our worth is based on our wallets, color and culture? Are we politically that much different than the blinkered, by-standing Afrikaaners were during apartheid?

 In My Country is beautifully photographed movie. Laced with African song, it evokes not only the spirit of the country but also the spirit of those who listen to it. This movie is also full of twists of plot and local dialectic, which sometimes distracted me from the deeper questions that are raised, so if you rent this movie you might like to see it more than once. As films go, In My Country captured my attention in a way that few movies have. I highly recommend it.  

When It's Time To See A Therapist
 
Mike knows these are supposed to be the best days of his life. After all, he lives in San Francisco, dates occasionally, has a job, a routine at the gym and friends to hang out with on the weekend. Yet lately he's been in a rut. He can barely tolerate going downtown to work anymore. At work, he is frequently irritable and just wants to be left alone. At night, he wakes up with an anxious and restless feeling. He visits the fridge, pops a beer and falls asleep in front of the TV - again.

Alicia is a rising star at the downtown law firm she works for. Life had gone pretty much going according to plan until two months ago, when she began dating Sue. When Alicia told Sue she was falling in love, Sue said things were getting too intense. So Alicia simply tried harder to make it work. Finally, Sue said she was dating someone else, and the bottom fell out of Alicia's world. Six months later she wonders - what is wrong with me? Why can't I just get over her like anyone else would? When is it going to get easier?

Enough is Enough.  People start therapy when they have exhausted their options for fixing a problem themselves. Because the problem continues to grow, they realize its time to try something different - and they become willing to try to talk to someone other than their friends and relatives. It can be difficult to expose themselves to a stranger, and many of us were brought up to believe that talking about what hurts us is whining. However, talking to a professional about one's problems is actually the opposite of complaining - it is taking a fresh look at a reality that has become too difficult and it often activates resources that have been long overlooked or forgotten.

A professional therapist is aware of the risk a client is taking by coming in for the first time. They don't expect the person sitting in front of them to automatically trust them or say something clever. What impresses me personally is that the person has shown up for themselves and that they are trying something new, and that alone is enough to get started. Unfortunately, many people stop themselves from even trying therapy because someone once told them that therapy was for "crazy" people. However, it has been my experience that people with the courage to ask for help when they need it are seldom "crazy." What can really make a person crazy is not to be able to face or experience their feelings.

Licensed therapists go through years of education, training and thousands of hours of clinical work to learn how to provide a safe and supportive atmosphere in which people can begin to successfully face life's challenges. Yet, not all therapists are a good match for all clients. A client will probably know early on if the therapist they are beginning to work with is helping, because they will begin to feel differently, perhaps lighter. I would be delighted to speak with you about whether or not therapy might be of use to you. You don't have to face life alone. After all, enough is enough! 

City of Refuge 

 "In Honolulu, Hawaii, there is a walled city guarded by grimacing gods and surrounded by palm trees. It is called the City of Refuge, and it dates back to the twelfth century. If you were declared an outlaw for political or religious reasons, or if you had been defeated in battle, you were condemned to death, but you were given one chance to survive: If you made it to the City of Refuge alive, you were allowed to live within its walls. You were given a running head start, but you had to swim the last part of the journey.

In order to survive, you would have to be strong, but you would also have been traumatized. To survive, you might have to unite with the other outcasts, even though you might be coming from warring camps. You would have to use your wits and strength to outrun your pursuers, but you might lose your sense of humanity in the process of the chase. Once within the walls of the city, if you made it alive, you would have to become whole, perhaps for the first time. You would have to devise a way to love each other, which would be difficult because most of you would arrive broken. To lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people, San Francisco is the City of Refuge".                                                            
                                                                                                                                                                                             -  - Family Values, Two Moms and their Son, Phyllis Burke, Random House

I will tell you a part of my story about how I came to San Francisco. Years ago I was a young, naive and lost in this strange place I now call home. A while later when my son Jesse was born, I was proud that he would be a native San Franciscan because the Bay Area was much more accepting than anywhere else I had lived. It was then that Jesse's other mother, Phyllis began to write a book about our family because even in San Francisco it was difficult for families headed by same-gender parents to be legally recognized as the parents of their own children. Since then, much has changed here, but in many places in this country and in the rest of the world, perfectly good individuals and families are treated like social, political and religious outlaws, and so it is that this city continues to be a City of Refuge.

Although the details of my story may be different from yours, your story is related to mine. Every person has a story about where they came from and how it was when they got here - a story about being unwilling to sacrifice our capacity for love and intimacy simply to please others. Yet this experience alone is not enough. Change and rebirth are not just an initiation we go through once, making further growth unnecessary. Once found, we face change, loss and rebirth throughout our lives.

Although our lives may be a banquet to which we are invited every day, it can be easy to just not show up. A new menu each dawn can be scary, a bit overwhelming or even painful. But by the end of the day we will have known just two types of pain - the pain of being present for ourselves or the pain of regret. So when you listen to yourself today, what do you hear? How do you know whether the path you are on is leading you to success and wholeness or apathy and dispair? Finding the company of others who care about such questions can be invaluable in helping you to find your own answers.

Talk to someone today. Tell another person who you are and what you need. It will increase your own capacity to be human. Making time for others and letting others really see us can help to show us the outline of our own souls. It can help us to cross the sea of life on an ocean liner instead of a row boat. And this is so important because it takes a lifetime to become wholly ourselves, over and over again.